#but I super cannot control when I dissociate

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

the 14 year old edgelord in me keeps trying to compose deep poetry about coming to after dissociating. calm down babes. we’re all good here.

[teecupangel]

Hi! I really enjoy your Desmond gets turned into random creatures, and I was wondering if you've done a sphinx? I have a sphinx Desmond, and a very loose plot idea. Instead of dying from the apple, it turns him into a sphinx, and now he's stuck in a lion's body, disoriented, in pain, probably a lot of dissociation because everything is just so wrong. And he isn't exactly small, so Shaun, Bill and Becks have to hide this giant creature and it's a struggle because he can't really move properly and he's heavy so they take way longer than they'd like to get him out of the temple before abstergo gets there.

I think the artifact also affected his mind in a way that, he has the sixth sense, knowledge I think? So he can access an insane amount of isu knowledge, but he can't quite control it, and it causes him massive migraines when he tries to dig for it.

On the other side, sometimes he'll just correct things people say randomly, without even thinking about it, then he just pauses and frowns like "how do i know this?"

you can do time travel with him and interactions with ancestors and such, i just wanna know your take on a sphinx Desmond :3

Oooohhh, I love your sphinx Desmond so much. I’m kinda imagining that he doesn’t really like riddles. Tried them more than once but he just gets a headache and wished people would stop being cryptic.

So he absolutely hate the curse inflicted upon him:

Whenever anyone asks him a question he himself does not know but he ‘knows’ via Isu bs, he’s forced to ask a riddle that must be answered correctly before he could access the answer.

He can try and force it, of course, but he’ll get a growing headache the more time he spent trying to understand it. So yeah, it’s honestly better if people just answer his riddle.

And Desmond’s ‘criteria’ for correct answers isn’t just one specific answer.

To be more exact, Desmond’s affinity to someone makes it ‘easier’ for them to give bullshit answer.

For example:

Rauf definitely needs to answer correctly the riddle given to him but Desmond would be able to give him a riddle that wasn’t that difficult.

Malik gets super difficult riddles because Desmond totally believe there is not a single riddle Malik cannot solve.

But someone like Altaïr?

Desmond could ask something like “what is better when broken?”

And Altaïr could answer with some shit like “a Templar’s neck”

They’d stare at each other for a moment before Desmond a cat-like shrug and go “Yeah, sounds about right.”

While Desmond is explaining the topic that caused his riddle trait to trigger, everybody else is just staring at Altaïr because the favoritism is so blatant it’s ridiculous.

Unorganized Notes:

It took a while before Desmond could get used to his new body. The first few days were the worst. His human experience did not mesh well with his sphinx instincts but it got better the more he realized that, yes, this is his new body now and he has to accept that.

Once he got used to his body, he liked to take naps where there’s warm sunlight or in freshly dried laundry.

When he stretches (like a cat), his wings flutter and shake slightly.

When someone annoys him but he doesn't feel the desire to maul them, he sits on them.

[cerosin-bis]

Hello again and don't worry about the former question :) and I'm sorry to annoy again😭 but I can't help it.. KruegerNikto gives me something to think about. Can you give us Headcannons especially about their relationship? Like, are they jealous(u mentioned that Krueger will 100% cheat but is also kinda possessive), do they beat each other bloody when they have a disagreement, are there things that they hate about each other, and what I am the most interested about: how does Krueger manage to calm Nikto during a psychotic episode??

I feel so annoying, I'm so sorry!!

Hi! and you're not annoying!! You're ALL being super lovely in your asks, which makes my heart full - I'm just slow, I'm sorry 🥲 But I am more than happy to be asked for more Krueger/Nikto!! So it is my pleasure to answer your questions. Sorry this got long, when given the opportunity to talk about them it just flows out from my fingertips. CW for unhealthy dynamics.

Both of them are jealous, in a territorial way, but particularly Nikto. @modernghostfare summarised it well here. Nikto is direct about it, while Krueger is underhanded. Krueger is used to having a hold on people/people coming back to him, while Nikto is insecure (in his Nikto way). For Krueger it's about asserting control and for Nikto it's more about asserting possession.

They do fight sometimes. It can be nasty. It's usually a game for Krueger since he has the upper hand in melee combat, but if Nikto is mad *mad* and actually wants to hurt him, Krueger has to actively retaliate and it can escalate quickly to the point they break bones and/or need to be physically separated.

They don't hate anything about one another, really. Nikto just hates the fact that he trusts Krueger. and that he cannot read his mind.

Krueger has 2 ways to ground Nikto during a psychotic episode (*disclaimer: this is NOT how it works in real life. this is just my fictionalised "version" of nikto's condition and kn's dynamic) :

1) if it's a violent outburst Krueger immobilises him. Nikto can be extremely violent but if he's not entirely there, then Krueger can and will overpower him quite easily and keep his face on the floor for as long as necessary. It's foolproof and works everytime in this specific case.

2) if it's "just" hardcore dissociation he has ways to talk him through it. Asking him questions if he feels like Nikto is almost there. Provoking him (making his brain stop and recalculate, if you will), or reassuring him. Nikto's psychotic outbursts are often immediately followed by distress/anguish, in which case Krueger will stand by him. Cushion the coming down phase with silence, a shared cigarette and a hand stroking his hair.

[expired-monster-craft-smp]

Leon Kennedy headcanons part 2nd

- Due to the lack of control in his life, Leon seeks control in other things such as his diet, his daily routine, weekly schedule, and even what he buys

- Gets paid a lot since he works for the government but rarely uses it

- He literally lives in a shitty and small apartment that isn’t decorated and sleeps on a bare mattress on the floor

- Cannot relax like ever unless he’s alone in his apartment, but he’s close to relaxed if he’s alone with a trusted person like Chris, Claire, Jill, and Rebecca. Hunnigan would be included but they usually only meet to discuss a new mission for Leon

- Doesn’t listen to new music, but will listen to recommendations from friends and new releases from bands/artists he already listens to

- Bro canonically listens to dad rock and metal and was born in the late 70’s so his music taste can be…interesting

- I know a lot of people say that he would have one-night stands or whatever but not only is this man the most awkward person ever and Cannot Pull, he’s also severely paranoid and closed-off around unknown people, drunk and sober. He most likely doesn’t get any action whatsoever

- He’s super sweet towards kids. Just has the biggest soft spot for them and can’t stand to say no to them 99% of the time

- He gives off Midwest energy so bad, he probably spent a significant amount of his childhood living there (if we’re going off his original backstory n shit he probably got moved there while in foster care and remained in that area until he aged out)

- He can’t stand change (autism and desperation for control) and it’s why his hairstyle remains the same. It’s one of the few constants in his life and he physically cannot have his hair in any other style

- He’s an alcoholic in the sense that he’s almost always drinking. He doesn’t really do binge drinking, just a constant flow of alcohol in his system throughout the day

- Dissociates a lot. After Spain, he was stuck in a dissociative episode for over 3 months, just going on autopilot

- Prefers off-brand items over brand names, mostly due to growing up without a lot of money. It’s more comforting

- Hates being dirty or smelling bad. He showers religiously and throughly, always making sure to apply cologne afterwards even if he’s just going to bed

- No phone case. It would be helpful since he has pretty big hands and long fingers but he just lets his phone rawdog the world

- Leon is a trans man !! Government pays for his T shots and paid for his top surgery (though it was mostly so they could make Leon feel more indebted to them)

- Leon is just so extremely touch-starved it’s actually incredibly sad. Even if it’s just a medic touching him to patch him up, his skin prickles and his eyes sting

- Doesn’t mind sugary things, but if he’s going to drink soda, it has to be diet. He tends to stick with water and unsweetened juice, though

- If he’s going to use pet-names for someone (such as Chris perchance), he sticks with “baby”, “sweet thing”, “doll”, and “sweetheart”. He doesn’t usually use pet-names though, mostly because he thinks it sounds awkward coming from his mouth

Chreon stuff because homosexuality

- Leon absolutely adores hugging, snuggling, and cuddling with Chris. The man is bigger than him and makes the perfect pillow

- Finds it hot that Chris can easily manhandle him

- Favorite thing to do is cuddle with Chris on the couch or lay his head on Chris’ thighs or chest and watch movies with him

- Instead of rings, they have matching watches (canon)

- Leon can get needy and whiny when sleepy, especially after a mission, and will cling to Chris like a leech

- He feels comfortable and safe enough with Chris to relinquish control to him. He knows his husband will keep him safe and has his comfort in mind

- Claire had a fucking field day with them when she found out they were together. Literally got teased relentlessly, and she jokingly gave her blessing

- Leon found it amusing when she gave Chris the shovel talk, not him

- Leon teases Chris about his smoking habit but Chris never really does the same with Leon’s drinking, knowing it’s a sensitive subject and instead just makes sure his husband doesn’t drink too much

May post another part, who knows?

[politeparadox]

My exp. with Nick: (you can share it, we're still coming to terms with a lot of feelings about our exp with him) I originally met Nick on Twitter and then discord, and was eventually added to his server (both the thanos snapped public one and private one) and he made us feel like we were besties at the start. He began lovebombing us throughout the friendship and forming a sort of codependecy dynamic. At the time, he made us feel special enough and like we owed him extreme loyalty because of his sob story of people hating him and his old friend group turning on him. It got so bad, we couldn't recognize where we ended and where he began. We didn't like conflict - we still don't - and we were scared of earning his ire after seeing how often he lashed out at others for smaller things. It scares us so much how much we let him get away with out of fear and how comfortable he was being awful in broad daylight and would try to spin it where he's the victim. It scares how much his friend group become yes-men out of fear and I hope they can eventually get away from him. His treatment of other mentally ill people made us very uncomfortable given he's supposedly mentally ill as well but cannot extend the idea to others - so much so we had to be super cautious about us being openly a system around him in case we were being a system in a way he 'didn't approve of'. He constantly ignored our iwc / dniuc with pinging us constantly. He'd make conversations about himself all the time and his characters. You couldn't fucking breathe in that server without having wicked justice flung at your head and while we get being proud of what you've created, it felt like he was pushing it violently down our throats. Parts of us started disliking him more because of his treatment of a minor whose system was apparently 'fake' to him. Which, yeah, be mad or whatever ig but you don't need to harass them in a public server because their potential systemhood is different than yours. Not to mention, that's a child. You're bullying and harassing a child who might have a disorder from trauma when you yourself have a history of sus system claims. He kept dumping his issues on the entire server to get validation and there were so many times we were mentally going 'but you did this yourself' or 'how are you the victim?' and had to get a confirmation from a friend we weren't wrong for feeling that way because he instilled such a sense of 'believe me or else' energy. Had a whole boundary channel, and then got pissy about certain boundaries. It's honestly no shocker his friend group is surrounded by vulnerable people and as a survivor, the way he twisted into our head makes us feel so fucking sick and violated internally and out. We're so exhausted from how dissociated we were around him out of fear and stress. It's not even a friend group, atp, it's a full blown cult that doesn't know its a cult yet. We feel so fucking dumb not realizing it when it started happening sometimes, man, but yeah. I doubt Nick will change, fucker operates like a god damn cult leader and he'll probably find a way to justify this all away, or cry and say 'i feel guilty but won't do anything to change it because that takes accountability and admitting im not God' You're dead on about him having a high control group, this guys a threat to anyone he's ever around and one way or another, he'll begin showing his ass. Hope other people who've had to experience him get time to heal and grow, none of you deserved what he did. 💗 - ✈️✒️

I hope you're healing well, anon ♡

[atopvisenyashill]

who would be the stoners of asoiaf?

thank you finally something in my area of expertise!!!!!

Aemon - he smokes for pain technically but he Will peer pressure younger stewards to get high with him bc he thinks it’s funny.

Doran - again, for pain, he doesn’t presssure anyone into smoking with him but he doesn’t like smoking alone so usually Areo Hotah will have a puff. Areo’s tolerance is so high now lmao no one but Doran can tell he’s high

Ellaria Sand - Oberyn doesn’t like feeling out of control but Ellaria gets frisky while she’s high so she will have a toke before they bang, it’s awesome for them.

Edmure Tully - he loves making edibles. The smallfolk love him bc he just gives them edibles for free whenever he comes around to collect rent/taxes. Blackfish thinks it’s really juvenile but Hoster kinda liked Edmure’s weird way of ruling (he’d never tell him tho). Definitely gives Cat a few after the funeral and they try very hard not to talk about their feelings while absolutely blasted.

Theon Greyjoy - Ned disapproved of Theon smoking bc Theon always Went Too Far, so once he gets to Winterfell he is just mainlining Sativas and losing his absolutely shit. Goes cold turkey bc of ADWD but after the war (he’s gonna live fuck you) he starts up again bc Bran suggests it might help with his anxiety BUT ONLY INDICAS.

Asha Greyjoy - tbh, iron islanders will just put anything in a pipe and smoke it, they don’t give a fuck. Asha is a little more choosey than her uncles at least lol

Bran - the reeds turn him onto it. he quits several times over the years but he thinks it’s less gross than tobacco so he usually goes back to it. It’s not always obvious when he’s high for tree wizard reasons, but his siblings can Always tell.

Jaime Lannister - no one can convince me this man didn’t turn to substance abuse to deal during the early years of Cersei & Robert’s marriage bc weed is a great way to dissociate (if that’s how you want it to work) and this man’s number one coping mechanism is dissociation. He quits because Brienne gives all his weed to Podrick and Podrick goes crazy on it one night.

Podrick - listen, he picked up a lot of vices from Tyrion. This one at least makes Brienne laugh.

Brienne - only recreationally, never around Jaime bc he has A Problem and she doesn’t want him to relapse (he relapses several times anyway)

Arya and Sansa Stark - they’re together because they do it recreationally together as adults. they get soooo silly with it too, Edmure makes them smoke with him whenever they’re in the Riverlands bc it’s so funny.

Bronn - you cannot tell me that man isn’t a lil high at least 60% of the time

Mad Maid Malora Hightower - i just know her and her dad are up in that tower high off their ass, i know it in my soul

lewyn martell - recreationally. arthur dayne was super uptight about it. oswell whent smoked even less than lewyn, but if he saw lewyn smoking, he’d get in immediately. gotta cope with aerys somehow!!

[balloonboyismyson]

I started thinking about your Swap AU again, and I started wondering about how the endings would go—I’m curious. Especially since you mentioned how it could play out differently/different choices could be made.

For example, the Disassemble Glam Fred (+Vanny) ending—I don’t know the actual names for most endings, but anyways-

Other than the characters being swapped, how do you think that one would play out? Or just the ending that’d be canon to the AU-

<Incorrect-FNaF-quotes

(Tangent) I think the ENTIRE game would play out differently, too! Even from the beginning I think Roxy would know about "Springy" (William's name I suppose? Not set in stone). Since in the AU she would still have special eyes, when he passes in front of Cassie and Roxy, Roxy could go, "I've been seeing that costume around. I don't know why he's here. I thought something was wrong with my system, but if you can see him, too....."

I believe in the original game, Freddy does not really listen to Gregory's fears over the animatronics/strangeties because he is kind of dissociating. I think he is repressing all weirdness until he cannot anymore, but in Roxy's case, I think she would be able to notice things faster; from the get-go she would be panicking.

(Back on Track) In the Disassemble Freddy Roxy Ending, it could have 2 possible ways it could go. The first way could be how the original went, where Roxy locks up and cannot fight against the Nightmare Bots. My assumption is this happens because either Springy would still have some control over her to stop her, or her programming making it so she cannot hurt things in front of a child/or ever.

The second way it could go is, well, I think she could be MUCH more inclined to fight rather than Freddy. I think she could actually put those claws to use. I think either way she will still get fucked up bc that is the nature of the ending, but she would put up a MUCH bigger fight than Freddy.

The "Canon" Ending would probably still be Princess Quest! (If we wanted to get super technical it COULD be "Balloon Quest" but let us not get hasty)

[drowninginredink]

Hi, it's the anon who headcanons the Chosen as higher needs autistic.

I just wanted to say that I'mactually thankful you educated me on your schizoprenic experience, because I didn't know any of that was even a thing! I'll take that with me going forward.

You're welcome! If you want proper schizo education, let's do it! Actually, a note first, because I'm going to be using the terms psychotic and schizophrenic a lot and you should know the difference. Psychosis is a symptom. It is basically just disconnect from reality, generally meaning delusions and often, but not always, hallucinations. Psychosis can happen because of pregnancy, medical conditions, other mental illnesses, or drugs (both legal/prescribed and illegal). Schizophrenia is chronic psychosis that cannot be attributed to any other cause. All schizophrenics are psychotic; not all psychotics are schizophrenic.

1. I know I already said it in the original post, but do not call 911 on someone in a mental health crisis. I will not share the details of what happens to psychotic people (and let's be clear here; it's almost always Black psychotic people) in police custody. And the "good" scenario is them ending up hospitalized, which really isn't much better. I work in nursing, but I will never, ever work in psychiatric nursing because the way psychotics get treated in psych hospitals? I could not see that every day. I could not be part of that system. And there's no way I'd have any leverage to change that system. Psychotics get forcibly medicated, restrained, treated like weirdos and pariahs by the other patients... And then thrown right back out. Why are there a bunch of homeless schizophrenics? Well obviously it's pretty damn impossible to hold a job when in active psychosis, but also, how are you supposed to keep getting your meds or get any lasting therapy when after you get out of the hospital, you're going right back to living on the streets?

2. If someone says stuff that seems delusional, do not fact check them (unless they explicitly ask you to). It will not work. It will just distress them and make them double down. The correct approach is to very slowly nudge them out of it until they realize for themselves what was a delusion, but that's not your job. That's for their therapist to do. Don't encourage them either, though. If you can change the subject, that's the best approach.

3. There's this image that all psychotics need to be medicated, because obviously therapy wouldn't work because they're completely irrational. Medication actually doesn't help 25% of schizophrenics, and therapy is generally way more effective. The problem with that being that you know who else thinks of psychosis as a "just throw drugs at it" issue? Lots and lots of psych professionals. And a whole bunch also just don't know what to do with us. Or they don't want to deal with us, because it's hard. As someone in the medical field Therapy is super useful, though. The standard approach is CBT for psychosis (which personally I had a terrible time with. DBT ended up being my magic bullet). Fun fact: my old psychiatrist is currently doing a study on controlling voice hearing yourself. Basically, you can stop hearing voices by telling them to shut up and fuck off. I'm unconventional as far as schizophrenia symptoms go, so I never really had much voice hearing, but I did for a brief period of time and that's how I got it to go away. Learning how to reality check yourself is the most effective way to deal with psychosis.

3. a. Back on meds, for me personally, anti psychotics did help with my dissociation, but did nothing for my hallucinations and delusions. I'm not on them anymore. We found that an ADHD med actually worked really well for my dissociation, interestingly enough. Anti psychotics also have awful side effects. Schizophrenia is not fun, but the worst thing I've ever experienced wasn't schizophrenia at all. It was akathisia, which is a side effect of anti psychotics. It's restlessness to the absolute maximum. You can't concentrate, you can't think, you can't sit still, you can't sleep. Your heart feels like it's burning a hole in your chest. It is hell.

4. Schizophrenia is actually neurodevelopmental. Our brains look different than other brains. I know personally, I have always had delusional thought processes. It's just that as a kid, I was fixating on, say, the fact that I just could not leave this party right now or that for some reason it was a huge deal that the teacher didn't call on me. So no one thought it was delusions. But now that I've been overtly delusional? The thought process is exactly the same. It's like you're wearing blinders. The world flattens out to 2D and you just can't see the truth. And then when you do realize it, you feel like an absolute idiot for letting it go on for so long. That's true now, and it was true when I was freaking out about dance recitals as a kid.

5. Let's talk about the absolute worst psychotic symptom you've never heard of: disorganized thinking. It's what it sounds like. It's like your brain and thoughts are a deck of cards that are constantly being shuffled. You lose your train of thought. You forget what it is you're doing. I know when my disorganized thinking was a lot worse (those ADHD meds have also helped a ton with that, thank God) I would just get trapped scrolling my phone because I couldn't keep a train of thought for long enough to decide to do something else. Or rather, I'd decide to do something, and then forget about it before I could, over and over. For people who aren't me, it will also manifest as disorganized speech, where you know what you're saying in your head but complete gibberish comes out of your mouth instead. A thing people do not talk about enough is how much schizophrenia absolutely destroys your ability to think. Between disorganized thinking and dissociation (and God, my dissociation is terrible... And this is with it medicated down to levels where I can actually function) sometimes my brain is just absolutely useless to me.

That's probably enough for now? I could keep going for hours, but I think that's a lot of really good information. Truly give me an inch and I'll run a mile

[sincelastsession]

I got a 52.14 on the test. I'm upset.

Can we do the test in session together?

Should I do it again another day at a different time?

It was incredibly hard and there were several questions that like I answered but I experience those things differently but im not sure if that means the same thing.

I see that it says "Very high scores do not necessarily mean a more severe dissociative disorder is present, this is because the scale measures both normal and pathological dissociation"

It scares me because I don't want to be treated differently or like I'm a crazy person. Like had too many diagnosis that I don't even have my autism on my chart because my psych knew I'd get treated like a looney tune in the south because of the propensity of southerners to just well I'm sure you know that history.

Like it makes me sick that mentally ill people don't get treated like they need from the people who are supposed to love them. Why have kids if you only want to see them as an extension of yourself? They're little souls little individuals and people crush that and I hate it so much. It's like a family tree of rot when this continues from generation to generation.

Also my neighbors woke me up and I reported it and I'm super pissed off still but luckily Matt was up and I decided to smoke to get sleepy and he admitted to be drinking but we had the most lovely conversation and then got very cringe stupid cute and spent like 30 minutes going back and forth. I really just haven't had a connection like I do with my partner. The long distance doesn't matter to me. We're both getting things out if this and it's sorta terrifying. Yeah sometimes I'm a mess and he's a mess but I'm happy. I'm scared it will fall apart though. I'm scared it's not real but everything is there. It's real. He doesn't care that I'm big he says, he likes big women he says...I hate how society and beauty standards fuck with my head. I love that I think he truly means it though not as a fetish but as just me. If I have another partner they will have to be like him or better and respect my relationship. I'd love to fit my ex in the puzzle here. I don't think it's ever going to be possible though. I'd also like to date Ashley but he's not poly and I'm not wanting to be an asshole and push him because being monogamous is fine too. I'm ambiamorous myself so I get it.

I mean I know I'm stoned but my heart us full and it's not like I wouldn't feel differently sober. My inhibitions are just at what I should be normally minus the "high" This happens when I have drunks too. I feel like I'm free from brain jail. I really wish I was on a "no fucks to give about things I cannot control dose of my anxiety med. I fuckin miss that. I wish just for a month my psych would up my dose at least 1mg. I feel it would help. The medical board is a joke imo. Some people need meds that are unconventional to prescribe. Actually 10yrs ago it wouldn't be a big deal. Now everything us and people are dying more because they're using street drugs because doctors can't monitor them and prescribe them anything to help because there's just not enough mental Healthcare like that that's affordable and don'tget me started on pharmaceutical companies. It's just bullshit.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Hi!

I feel confused out of my mind and I wish I had someone to turn to talk about the situation in my day to day life… I have feelings for someone but idk what they are or how to navigate them 😅. I’ve only started talking to them a very short while and we started talking over all the things I’ve typically did my best to hide from people. They’re the first person to actually get those things on a personal level because they’ve been through them. It’s been super playful and well… nice? I can’t get them off my mind and I find myself physically holding back smiles when I’m messaging them, I’ve never been like this before it’s like who am I?? I’ve needed to rest as well cause I’ve been overwhelmed and burnt out and I realized I stopped resisting rest the past few days. I’m not looking to categorize anything, I just want to let things play out… but I feel myself getting ready to pull away. I keep comparing the situation with a similar yet completely different situation I’ve been in a few years ago that ultimately left me not trusting my feelings. I don’t want to close myself off from being able to connect with this person but I’m not sure how to stay open and I’ve been really unproductive since my mind keeps wondering off to them but I guess that’s not so bad for now because I do need to rest.

Hello! Here are my suggestions, take as resonate ofc :)

FIrst of all, rest for real. That's very important. Overthinking about your feelings (trying to find explanations and all) and about this situation/this person while being unproductive, is not resting. It's just subtly draining you more (and causing you to think in the back of your mind about what you're leaving behind in your work/school too). Resting means you take a time out (without thinking about what you should do, how you feel and all) and recover: focus on you and what can help you at this time. If now you only need to recover/sleep, do it. Ofc we cannot always do it 24/7, but just schedule in your day some time only for your own self, to take care of you and rest for real (Idk if you can, you may also distress with an hobby -whatever it may be: cooking, reading, dancing, painting, exercising...-). With a well rested mind you'll be able to gain more clarity and will feel even more prone to interact, be positive about the result/be more eager to enjoy the process of knowing someone.

Then, don't hold your feelings: if you want to navigate them and understand them, you need to let them flow freely. I know it's scary to let go of control as you don't trust your feelings and fear ending up realizing you're wrong when it's "too late" and suffering again, but you cannot trust something if you don't stop to listen to it and know it. You cannot know something/someone fr if you are not open to it and let it in. Allow yourself to smile (it's nothing bad, unless you think it is... if so, check why. If you cannot recognize yourself in that behaviour, it may mean maybe you don't know parts of yourself or you've grown dissociated from them because eg. past trauma taught you they're wrong; whatever it is and if it's your case, find them again and accept them). And fr, just enjoy without controlling. It may sound scary especially because of your past but you said it yourself: it's a different situation from the one you had to go through and caused you such trauma. Maybe focus on seeing and acknowledging the differences, and also remind yourself you're grown and learned from that past experience and you can protect yourself anytime.

Learn about yourself, focus on yourself and try to not let the situation and the other person control you (or you control them). What I mean here is: when we find ourselves in a possible scary/unknown situation (even triggering), we try to feel safe by controlling that situations or someone's feelings in order to know what they feel and why they do what they do and what is going to happen; we let these thoughts control us, and take up space in our mind and life that they cannot take. On the other hand, we may also try to pull away out of fear both of being wrong/not being able to control/not knowing how it will be and suffering (as prev. mentioned), but also of finally receiving and experiencing something good that we have dreamed of. Like, yk when things seem too good to be real? We may *unconsciously* try to think we're wrong and it cannot be that for us, we cannot deserve that. And so we try to find flaws and imperfections, mistakes too in them (or make things up: our minds like to fill up voids/missing part with fake thoughts and indeas/opinions). But how can we be sure it's not for us, if we get away without even trying and seeing how things can develop and who this person is? We can only be sure by letting ourselves be vulnerable to the other person (you already did that when you communicated with them about those sides of you you try to hide: if you felt good enough to, it's perfectly fine) and to the possibility that they may even hurt us. But even if they will, it's not our fault and we don't have to feel guilty or wrong about it. We're not responsible of what others do with our trust or feelings. We cannot control others. We can only control ourselves, our feelings and our life in the end. And try to enjoy as much as we can, without letting our fears block us.

Talk with this fear you prolly have and try to see where and why it originated (maybe further back in time than that other situation you're mentioning, like other relationships -not just romantic but family/friends). Keep following your own instincts and just don't let any need to be accepted and loved control you and make this person's behaviour mean more than it does (as you said, just let go and try to enjoy. If you think this person is meeting some of your unmet needs, try to navigate this too but stay objective: it doesn't always mean it's to take advantage of you or you're assuming something that is not there). Stay grounded as much as you can and focus on your life and self care first. If something needs to happen with this person, it will at the right time and you seem to be aware of it (be sure your mind agrees: at times it tries to protects us and block us from behind the scenes). Enjoy not knowing even if it's scary (but indeed, if you feel the need to, journaling about your feelings and past experience -and what it meant to you, how you felt back then and after it turned out the way it did- could help you in processing them and give this person a try/staying open to them. And also, listen to your body: it stores our emotions so checking where you feel them may help you as well).

All the best, take care<3

(not sure if it's your case but i noticed dreams are of huge guidance in moments of confusion: you can pay attention to them too -just be mindful not always the interpretation is immediate/literal so please do not stress too much over them I may try to help tho if u want)

[istillseeyouintherain]

PTSD is hard, it's confusing, and those who don't have it really can't imagine what it's like. I've tried very hard over the years to explain it to curious loved ones, but few really understand what I mean when I say, "my brain gets stuck, my brain gets confused".

I have one foot in the past and one foot in the present. I want both feet to be present, but the past has a tight grip on one of my feet so it's really hard.

I wake up in the middle of the night, shaking so hard I can't even use my hands, and then I can't sleep. Laying awake, trying to forget the past, trying to process it, trying to calm myself down. Failing most of the time.

Then I get up, depressed and anxious, and force myself to go to work.

My depression and anxiety is 100% related to my flashbacks. I do not feel these symptoms when my flashbacks are under control.

My ex told my perpetrator how to find me online and it put me back in the past. I've tried super hard to claw my way back to the present, but it is proving to be difficult.

Due to the fact that my trauma was caused by those close to me, my PTSD tends to get triggered by people over and over again when I experience flashbacks. I become hypervigilant, and that feeling does not just go away when the flashbacks end - it keeps on, and it's a whole mess.

I speak about the mornings. Mornings and nights are the hardest. Those of us with PTSD are masters of avoidance. Between that and the fact that sleep kind of resets your brain, it's a challenge. I seldom sleep. When I do, I wake up and my brain defaults to my PTSD if I'm in a period where I'm very triggered. I wake up in a funk, feeling emotionally out of whack yet unaware that I am emotionally out of whack, and this continues on until my brain floats back down into my head and there is an ahah moment as I fall back into reality.

It's difficult to live like this and live this way. To feel like you are fighting the past while desperately trying to be part of the present.

I have complicated PTSD with a dissociative subtype. A less common type of PTSD, I experience extreme symptoms of derealization-depersonalization. Prior to starting therapy, I lived almost all of my life in a state of derealization/depersonalization. I was never not dissociated.

Then I became real, and now life feels good for the most part, but I still have periods like the one I'm in now where I'm torn between two choices. When I am thrown back into the past, it's jarring.

I am jarred right now.

I keep trying my best to try and be part of this world but I cannot do it right now.

I must seek reprieve. I must find a safe place to exist.

Until then, I am gone

[captainimfangirling]

The Boys Season 3 Episode 6

Warning: Major Spoilers

A-Train

I love Ashley for saying the exact same thing I was saying about A-Train! Did he die after killing Blue Hawk? I’m kind of disappointed if death was his redemption. I mean I’m glad he finally said sorry to Hughie and meant it this time but I was hoping to see real character development. Maybe join Annie quitting and starting their own super hero group.

Starlight

I feel like Homelander is clinging to Starlight because even though they’re in a fake relationship she’s all he’s got. I’m glad she’s standing up to herself but I feel like she still doesn’t understand the big picture. I mean she still doesn’t get why Hughie wants to protect her. Yes it’s toxic masculinity but it’s also about how he couldn’t protect Robin and doesn’t want the same thing to happen to her. I hope he tells her this because she really need it written out for her. I’m glad she quit and hopefully she’ll start her own super hero group.

Homelander

I’m not trying to be disrespectful to anyone with Dissociative Identity Disorder but honestly Homelander was reminding of people with DID. The mirror Homelander said he helped Homelander as children in the “bad room.” People with DID often have alters that get created like this---through a traumatic experience and these alters help them through it. 

Yeah people were right about Homelander feeling the pressure of Vought and deep down he’s just a broken man with mommy issues. I kind of wish he met Soldier Boy as a child because it would explain how he learned toxic masculinity and that supes were gods because Soldier Boy told him. Like Homelander’s speech to Ryan only it’s young Homelander being told by Soldier Boy. 

Hughie

I am so f*cking happy Hughie mentioned Robin again to A-Train. I knew losing her ran deep but he never talked about it because he felt like there was nothing he could do but now he can. I’m so happy he didn’t get r*aped like he did in the comic books. Yes Hughie is showing toxic masculinity but we can understand why. 

Mother’s Milk

I was wrong about Soldier Boy killing his mother but it was his grandfather that got killed. I was right about MM’s mother trying to get justice for his family. I think I was also right about MM being a fan of Soldier Boy as a child because he seemed excited when he woke up his grandpa to see Soldier Boy. 

OMG him getting fluids all over him is f*cking hilarious. Poor thing. lol Omne thing I do appreciate Annie for is getting him to help others because she pretty much saved his ass. 

Butcher

I honestly still understand Butcher’s perspective and using Soldier Boy wasn’t a terrible idea even though it didn’t work out. I still think he was gonna kill Solider Boy after they kill Homelander because 1) I don’t think he would let MM down like that and 2) he hates supes. Maybe he wanted Hughie to leave because he thought all of them were going to die? 

Soldier Boy

At this pointed I’m disappointed with Soldeir Boy because I feel like he’s still not as bad as Homelander. I mean he’s an asshole and for sure toxic masculinity but still not as bad as Homelander. You cannot blame fans for feeling sympathy for him because every time he used his powers it was because he got triggered from his trauma and justifiable anger. The only time he tried to do it on purpose was to kill Homelander and I think he couldn’t do it because 1) he really has no beef with Homelander and 2) it might only work when he’s angry and needs to learn how to control it. I guess this answered my question about if he killed Crimson Countess on purpose (but he really didn’t care). 

I have a feeling Soldier Boy was supposed to be a pedo because it was suggested he abused Gunpowder. I’m GUESSING that’s the thing Jensen didn’t wanna do. I can understand why but if Soldier Boy was a pedo it would officially make him worse than Homelander. You need bad guys to be something extremely terrible in order to be worse than Homelander like Stormfront. When we found out she was a Nazi people started hating her more than Homelander. If they have Solider Boy kill gay people on purpose it for sure will make people hate him... but still love Jensen ok let’s not be like the dumb ass Jensen haters who can’t tell the difference between reality and TV.

Frenchie & Kimiko

Poor things won’t ever be able to escape their past. Seems like losing her powers was only temporary but at least she saved Frenchie.

Black Noir

Almost forgot about him. At first I thought he was gonna go after Soldier Boy but turns out he might be a scared little boy himself. Probably wasn’t even his idea to get rid of Soldier boy, it was Edgar’s idea. Maybe Homelander and Soldier Boy team up at the end of the season and Butcher realizes he made a big f*cking mistake. 

[unwelcome-ozian]

Could a delusion of having super powers be related to programming? I experienced sexual programming. Growing up we always thought we had superpowers of some kind, usually telekinesis but sometimes others like shapeshifting or mind reading. This belief has partially stuck with us over the years. I have episodes were I am convinced I have super powers which are usually accompanied or caused by age regression. I am trying to figure out exactly what causes these episodes as they seem semi random. Our littles seem to have more frequent episodes with it being a 24/7 thing for some. We also feel a need to control/use the powers to help others and that if we don't control them we're hurting others. We always used to use things swinging back and forth continually as proof because we didn't understand momentum and I also remember swinging objects being a theme in our programming. Is this likely related or just something that developed along side it unrelated?

Sorry for switch between I and we so much.

I’m going to share some information that I hope helps you and others in your system.

Magical thinking is a coping mechanism that commonly emerges when a child is either confused about a certain situation or feels helpless in the face of something that threatens their security.Five and 6-year-olds use magical beliefs in dramatic play to help them manage the chaos of their inner and outer lives. For example, becoming a superhero in play can be part of children's quest for power in a world where they have very little.

Part of DID is magical thinking. The feeling that things happening to us aren’t really happening to us but to someone else.

“Escape from reality. In some instances, dissociation induces people to imagine that they have some kind of mastery over intractable environmental difficulties. Dissociation is often implicated in magical thinking or self-induced trance states. This aspect of dissociation is frequently found in abuse survivors. It is not uncommon for abused children to engage in magical thinking to retain an illusion of control over the situation (e.g., believing that they "cause" the perpetrator to act out).”

― Marlene Steinberg

A delusion is a belief that is clearly false and that indicates an abnormality in the affected person’s content of thought. The false belief is not accounted for by the person’s cultural or religious background or his or her level of intelligence. The key feature of a delusion is the degree to which the person is convinced that the belief is true. A person with a delusion will hold firmly to the belief regardless of evidence to the contrary. Delusions can be difficult to distinguish from overvalued ideas, which are unreasonable ideas that a person holds, but the affected person has at least some level of doubt as to its truthfulness. A person with a delusion is absolutely convinced that the delusion is real. Delusions are a symptom of either a medical, neurological, or mental disorder. Delusions may be present in any of the following mental disorders: (1) Psychotic disorders, or disorders in which the affected person has a diminished or distorted sense of reality and cannot distinguish the real from the unreal, including schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, delusional disorder, schizophreniform disorder, shared psychotic disorder, brief psychotic disorder, and substance-induced psychotic disorder, (2) Bipolar disorder, (3) Major depressive disorder with psychotic features (4) Delirium, (5) Dementia and (6) OCD

In programming, Theta programming is created to use the psychic, spiritual realms, (occult) to monitor other people who are programmed and to keep the person who is programmed programmed.

[drawn-on-phone]

Okay! @bishonenrockmysocks'​s combinatory (ADHD+ASD+Scrabble Sleeve of other Diagnosis) nightmare of a spouse here! I’ve also mentored and helped a number of people get diagnosis and get through the process of finding the right medication for their manifestation of ADHD, so strap in this is gonna be AN INFO DUMP.

FIRST: Overview for the uninformed. ADHD is executive function issues caused by brain development. The brain doesn’t lack the ability to think, but to execute. As a TERRIBLE therapist once said (while denying me an ADHD diagnosis): “Your brain works just fine, but to talk to you in computer terms, you just lack the RAM to run your life. Tough luck.”

This isn’t JUST being able to execute things like dishes or cooking, but also can be tied to emotional regulation, mood, and basically everything behavioral. Your brain lacks the ability to regulate itself, so your brain struggles to do most any of the things others can. I say struggle because it can do them, it just requires special conditions (usually PANIK, stress, novelty, and excitement) to do it.

Overview over! Onto the meds!

TWO: Personalizing to your brain! Everyone knows Ritalin and Adderall, but there is also Concerta and a number of other meds you can take. The big thing is that, just like with depression meds, your brain is a unique little pile of fat and sometimes certain meds just DON'T WORK. 

While there are various side effect (I’ll get to them) I think it’s more important to understand a metaphor for HOW the meds work. I have three categories: Dams, Patties, and Hiring.

1) Dams control the flow of water saving it up for use or release later. This is (from my understanding) what Ritalin does. It gives you access to CHOICE. Your brain can choose to release when it wants because it has better control of how to send out that good brain juice water to the system.

2) Patties, like rice patties, flood the area giving access to water to all parts. This is (again from my experience) what Adderall does. It gives ALL parts of the brain juice to run with at all times instead of having to struggle to divert and route the flow of the good things liquid. As I’ll share later: This WENT HORRIBLE FOR ME. But that’s the reason why starting ADHD meds requires scheduled doctors visits.

3) Hiring. This is special case for those who use anti-depression meds. In this case the ability to access that sweet-sweet function liquid isn’t increased artificially via control or flood, but by literally turning on receptors in the brain like in depressed people. You're making your brain re-hire and train people who regulate the good brain juice. I haven’t tried these, but I know a number of ADHD professionals who use these meds (mainly Concerta). I cannot speak to side effects other than the usual depression meds stuff.

THREE: Side effects and finding the right meds So.... as you can tell part of the challenge of ADHD is finding what your brain needs to function. I take Ritalin LR (8 hour extended release) but, as I hinted at, I tried Adderall and my brain rebelled. Might be because of the whole dissociative disorder, but Adderall’s “flood” just made me basically manic and so focused on a singular task I was neglecting everything else (including self care like eating) for nearly a full week. I worked three 8 hour shifts, slept like 4 hours in 3 days, and had like 1.5 meals mostly of snack packs from the deli. Basically I had access to all the energy I wanted so my first thought was the thing my brain did. Even if that was ... NEVER THE RIGHT OPTION. I switched to Ritalin and it COMPLETELY WENT AWAY. That doesn't mean you're guaranteed to have the same experience and many people succeed on Adderall, but it super wasn't the choice for me.

SIDE EFFECTS - Brain Body communication restored

There are other side effects including potential loss of appetite, anxiety, and exhaustion, but I typically chock those up to the brain working?

1) Your loss of appetite is because eating and chewing give good brain juice. Your brain works better now so its usual desire to masticate weaker beings is on hold. That said your body STILL NEEDS FOOD so you have to remind your brain to stop working and eat.

2) Anxiety is weird. See, when I self-medicated with coffee, that gave the good juice but it's also a stimulant. ADHD meds are a stimulant. When you have too much stimulant your brain goes into conspiracy theory monkey-lizard mode prepping you for whatever danger you just jacked yourself for. But on meds... your brain works, your conscious mind can DO THINGS. So sometimes you will literally be vibrating with energy and anxiety because you maybe accidentally, slightly OD’ed on caffeine and your body is FREAKING OUT but your brain is chill and working. Basically, if/when you start meds go off caffeine sources (coffee, tea, soda, etc) for a few days and slowly ween back onto them (or at least go light on them) so you can feel out your new tolerance level while the ADHD meds are active.

3) Exhaustion. TURNS OUT when your brain can think and properly communicate with your body, your body will sometimes just go “GREAT! GET THE FUCK TO SLEEP!” See executive dysfuction works both ways: you get to better regulate your conscious decisions but also your body doesn’t have to deal with what amounts to an ear-pod wearing pedestrian crossing the street of a conscious mind. You're in-sync and can talk both the good and the bad. So it can be a normal side effect of the meds or just your body screaming at you as you're relearning to experience existence without ... ohhhh say a 2 quad shot of espresso you drink daily to hold on to your executive function like a drowning sailor in a hurricane. 

Side Effects - Generics

Smaller things are dietary restrictions and timing. Adderall and Ritalin have a 4 hour lifespan in the body and depower and crystalize when exposed to Vitamin C. So if you use the traditional meds you have to dance around a sort of dietary restriction. That said the long release (LR) version are coated to last 8 hours and do NOT have the issue with Vitamin C. They are more expensive, but for me the convenience is worth the price. 

Also ADHD meds don’t need to be “primed” like Depression meds and are typically tested in 1-2 week stints to see how you settle into them. They do their thing IMMEDIATELY and get the hell out after their time is up. There is still a “learning curve” as your body gets used to the meds, so expect to be REALLY FUCKING ORGANIZED AND/OR CREATIVE for a day or two when you first start the meds because that will help curb expectations of what they'll do in the long term until you get to the more normal experience of your body-mind reaction to the dosage in 3-7 days.

This is why you have to “ween off” therapy during ADHD medication testing. You start with a fairly intensive 1-2 week meeting to talk about your meds. Then the need to meet extends to 1 month, then 2, then 3, then 6, then a year. That said the process will start ALL ASS OVER AGAIN if you switch meds. Which is a pain in the ass but its a safety thing. Can’t fault them on that.

Uhhh.... I think that’s it? If you have more pointed questions I can try to answer them? Also I would recommend the “BIG BOOK OF ADHD” (my title not official): Driven to Distraction by Edward Hallowell. My therapist suggested it to me when I got diagnosed and it was SUPER HELPFUL showing the spread of what ADHD can do to people, and it was compassionate in its depiction of individuals with the condition.

ADHD folks and people who know ADHD folks:

Help me! I need advice.

I have now been diagnosed with ADHD in addition to already-diagnosed ASD. (I am very unsurprised.) I'm considering medication, but am concerned about:

side-effects

unhelpfulness

So, have you or someone you know tried ADHD medication? Has it been helpful? Has it been the opposite of helpful? How did you know? How did you figure out what to try? What kinds of things does it help with, and what does it not help with?

Also, when consulting with a professional who could prescribe it, how do you know if they have any idea what they're talking about?

Any advice on any of this would be appreciated. I know a lot about ASD, but my knowledge of ADHD doesn't go much beyond what I've read on the internet.

[wickwrites]

Burning as a Motif for Humanity in Violet Evergarden

I think, when watching Violet Evergarden, most of us picked up on fire as a motif for Violet’s trauma – the violence and destruction she witnessed in the war, and the violence and destruction she engendered with her own hands. I’m not going to go into this too much because it’s all pretty self-explanatory, if not trite, but here are some quick examples of fire as a motif for her trauma just to lay the groundwork for the rest of the essay:

In frame 1 (episode 8), Violet draws first blood on the battlefield, and the once contained fire from the felled soldiers’ lanterns spread quickly through the forest, a symbol for how one small act of violence can cascade into large scale destruction. In frame 2, Gilbert stares at the carnage in front of him, horrified. In frame 3, the major is shot, and all we get to see is a screen of flames. In frame 4 (episode 12), Merkulov stares into a fire as he schemes about re-kindling the war.

I want to follow this (well trodden) opinion up with a more encompassing statement. That is, fire, in Violet Evergarden, is not limited to representing the destructive power of violence and trauma. Instead, it is a motif for humanity itself – an embodiment of the full range of experiences and emotions that make us human.  

To show this, I’m going to start off at the beginning of Violet’s journey, focusing on how her disconnect (from herself as well as others) is illustrated in episode one. For instance, her initial struggle to move her now mechanical arms as she sits in her hospital bed in the opening sequence is an excellent embodiment of her dissociation from her own body and lack of agency. I want to, however, focus on two scenes that are particularly relevant for our discussion:

First, the scene where Violet spills tea on her hand:

And second, the scene where Hodgins insists that Violet is burning:

These scenes are similar: in both, someone asserts that Violet must be in pain, specifically due to burning, and in both, Violet rejects that statement. In the first, however, that burning is physical. And in the second, that burning is emotional. Regardless, Violet is so removed from her own body that she is incapable of feeling either. Her mechanical hand is therefore an embodiment of her inhumanity (ie. her “dollness” or “weapon-ness”). Like her, it is cold, mechanical, insensitive, without life or agency. After all, up until now, all she’s been doing is killing on command, without the ability to think for herself, experience her own pain, or sympathize with her victims’ pain.

When the screen shows that Hodgins is indeed correct, that Violet is literally on fire (frame 1), that fire is depicted with restraint. Flames engulfs Violet’s body, but those flames are from a streetlamp enclosed in glass. It is controlled and distant. This encapsulates Violet’s current state; she is literally on fire, but that fire is so compartmentalized and suppressed, and she is so far removed from her own experience, that she is incapable of feeling it.

In frame 2, we are viewing Violet in a flashback, from Hodgin’s point of view. Although we’re offered a close up shot of her bloodied hands, we see, about two cuts later, that Hodgin is actually observing Violet from afar (frame 2.5). This distance demonstrates that he cannot bring himself to reach out to her, something that Hodgin confesses he feels guilty about literally 5 seconds later. They were, at that point in time, and perhaps even now, unable to connect.

In frames 3 and 4, Hodgin is speaking again. We get this super far shot of Violet’s body. The camera is straight on, objective, and unfeeling. This unsympathetic framing has two functions. First, it distances us from Violet. Our inability to see the details on her face and her relatively neutral body language gives us, the audience, no real way inidication her thoughts. Second, it distances Violet from herself. As someone who experiences dissociative symptoms from PTSD, this is a very poignant way of framing what it feels like to be removed from your own experience. Hodgin’s line, “You’ll understand what I’m saying one day. And, for the first time, you’ll notice all your burn scars,” further drives home the sense that Violet is completely estranged from herself. It almost feels like we are looking at her, from her own detached point of view.

We’re going to move on now, but we’ll get back to these frames later in the analysis, so hold onto them.

Throughout Violet’s journey, fire comes up again and again. Specifically, it shows up in moments of emotional intimacy, connection, and healing. Let’s see what I mean by this:

I have here a collection of moments that all occur at the same narrative point in their respective mini-stories: the moment where one character reaches out to another, sympathizes with them, and literally pulls them of their darkness. For example, frame 1 (episode 3) shows Violet bringing a letter from Luculia to her brother. It expresses Luculia’s gratitude and love for him, and ultimately mends their relationship. In frame 2 (episode 4), Violet and Iris share a moment of emotional intimacy and connection, which is the beginning of Iris’ story’s resolution. In frame 3 (episode 9), Violet’s suicidal despondency is interrupted by the mailman, bringing her a heartwarming letter from all her friends. In frame 4 (episode 11), Violet comforts a dying solder by a fireplace.

It’s not that other modes of lighting do not exist – modern looking lamps show up repeatedly in the show. Even Iris’ rural family has them, so I can reasonably assume that, no, the above moments do not all coincidentally use lamps because that’s all there is in this universe; the usage of fire during moments of catharsis is deliberate, and establishes that fire can also bring hope, kindness, and love.

Now that we’ve explored the dual nature of fire as both destructive/constructive, painful/cathartic, let’s go onto the thesis of my essay. Why do I say that being on fire is to be human? Let’s go back to the scene where Hodgin tells Violet she’s on fire (episode 1, on the left), and compare it to the scene where Violet finally realizes that Hodgin was right and that she is on fire (episode 7, on the right):

In these sequences, there is a notable shift in framing and perspective. In frame 1b, we finally get to see Violet’s blood-stained hands from her point of view, as opposed to from Hodgin’s point of view in 1a. Violet becomes aware of her past as an actual agent choosing to kill, shown through the first-person point of view. Similarly, the medium, straight on shot of Violet looking down at her hands (frame 2a) is replaced with an intimate first-person, close-up view (frame 2b). In shots 3a and 3b, the difference in framing is most pronounced. In 3a, we get this straight on, long shot. In frame 3b, the camera’s detachment is replaced by a claustrophobic closeness. While this framing does an excellent job at conveying the panicked feeling of “everything crashing down all at once”, it also demonstrates Violet’s new-found awareness of herself. While before, the camera was used to alienate, now it is used to create a sense of painful awareness and intimacy.

These series of shots are the first in the entire show, I believe, of Violet's body from her own point of view. Their co-incidence with her awakening self-awareness characterizes the state of “being in one’s body” as a precondition to self-connection, or more specifically, to Violet’s understanding of herself as neither a weapon nor a doll, but as a human. Correspondingly, this pivotal moment serves as a catalyst for her subsequent emotional development. From this episode on towards the finale, we’re launched into a heart wrenching sequence of events: Violet’s desperate grieving for Gilbert’s apparent death, her attempted suicide driven by newfound grief, and most importantly, Violet receiving her first written letter, an act that is strongly representative of genuine human connection. Following these events, Violet’s emotional connection to both herself and others only continues to grow; during her two final jobs of the story, she breaks down crying in response to the suffering of her clients, demonstrating a level of compassion—if not empathy—that she seems to have never been able to tap into before.

At the same time, Violet acquires a new sense of agency, making plot-driving decisions that no longer require other characters’ validations. Most poignantly, in episode 12, she chooses to stay on the train to fight Merkulov, explicitly going against Dietfried’s order for her to leave. Her reason?

She doesn’t want anyone to die anymore.

And it’s this moment, for me, that consolidated her as a character with true agency. Up until now, all her major decisions have been framed in relation to Gilbert: she killed in the war because Gilbert ordered her to, and she became an Auto Memories Doll because she wanted to understand Gilbert’s enigmatic “I love you”. Now, however, her motivation is purely her own—she fights, simply because she doesn’t want anyone else to die. It’s a line implies an intimate knowledge of loss. It’s a sentiment motivated by compassion. It’s a raw and extraordinarily human thing to say.

When Violet embarks on her journey to decipher Gilbert’s love, she is devoid of many traits we consider inherent and possibly even unique to being human—suffering, compassion, altruism, love, agency, and the interplay between them. As an Auto Memories Doll, she learns to live, experiencing all these emotions she had never had the luxury to experience before, and we quickly realize that she cannot know what love is without simultaneously wrestling with her trauma. She learns that yes, sometimes the fire destroys and sometimes it burns, but sometimes it thaws too, and you cannot have one without the other. You cannot choose what the fire does to you; you cannot choose what you want to feel. Thus, to be on fire is to know the anguish of its destruction, but it is also, and more importantly, to know the catharsis of human connection, to be the warm flame that pulls someone else out of the dark, to be pulled out of the dark yourself. To be on fire is to be human.

[fruitanddarkness]

I saw Bulla mention in one of your asks that she doesn't like to go super saiyan. Mind elaborating?

It’s not much but it can be broken down like so: 

The primary reason is because the emotions required for the transformation, primarily anger, are not accessible to Bura in a way that will not cause her distress. Fear and distress come before that level of anger for her. I elaborate under the cut if you’re interested in reading further.

｡o°✥✤✣ 　　 ✣✤✥°o｡

-The entire Baby possessing her, her family, and that entire arc left some trauma. I head canon that she was conscious the entire time even though she wasn’t in control of her body. So you have forced dissociation alongside watching people she loves and respects be forced into a similar state. She felt helpless and violated the entire time. 

-There’s a deep sense of pride for her family being Saiyan royalty, she has to get something from her dad’s genetics.  Seeing them taken down and enslaved felt instinctually disgusting and degrading. This was especially the case with Vegeta becoming the main host for Baby.. a parental figure she has a particularly close and special bond with, watching her dad lose himself was crushing.

-Before all of this, she had no incidences in her life that would push her to transform into a super saiyan. She was spoiled as a child had a supportive family, there was minimal distress there or memory that she could legitimately become that upset about. Admittedly there are moments where she has a very short temper and can become comically angry over some things, but she doesn’t focus on concentrating those emotions of that moment into a full  transformation. 

-Bura was 10 or 12 when this happened. I write her as 19 years old and she joined the time patrol when she was 15. She hasn’t been able to revisit these emotions in a safe place due to her work and also wanting to just forget about it. When the Baby arc ended she did everything she could to try and go back to normal. She denied that she had any lingering negative emotions for her sake and in an effort to try and not trouble her family over this... that, and nobody else seemed to talk about it, so she assumed they wanted to forget as well.  Although some time has gone by, Bura personally isn’t ready to deal with the residual negativity these memories cause her. Again, when these emotions about the situation fear is still the barrier she cannot overcome.

-This last one is more of a personality trait than a reason. Bura isn't used to pushing herself physically and really would prefer not to since fighting is not her first reaction most of the time.